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You, I... We'll wait for us only   
10:02pm 24/02/2017
  Still (interjection)
1. I will wait for you, and I do, darling, I do. I wait for you.
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
meet me there   
10:01pm 24/02/2017
  Breathe (verb)
1. YES I do, I WILL! And I will not count the breaths I take until I don't.
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
A litany of lists, queries, and self reflective nonsense   
09:58pm 24/02/2017
  Demure (noun)
1. A secret and endless binding contract of femininity.

1. Beautiful (noun)
The resulting ambiance of creating an environment we crave

And on April 20, 2018 I'm gonna be demure and beautiful as fuck. I found my dress today. I cried, my future SIL cried, and my mom wasn't there to cry- but she would have. The Tolli style is called Bardot, so perhaps I am meant to emulate a 50's sex bomb? That won't happen because I'm far SEXY, but I do think I'll look quite pretty! Also my dress is vegan friendly, as it contains no silk. This, I feel is a great accomplishment because many of my initial choices were not constructed as sustainably.

In unrelated news, I wish mister knew what he had gotten into by accepting a friends discarded hedgehog. Olive is so hard to keep alive. No, I have not yet found her close to death, but the more research I do, the more care I learn she requires. Initially we thought she would enjoy scuttling about searching for refuse in the condo, so we let her run free a few times a week after dropping freeze dried grubs and hedgie approved pellets. Brutus and Potato loved to portray the illusion of giving chase, but typically recoiled in fear if she gets too close. Then I learned this is likely stressing her the fuck out and she would just prefer to be in the solace of her cage. Her cage which is too small according to my research. So now I've gone and spent almost $100 to house this prickly, ornery little creature. She also needs to be in temperatures above 70 at all times... uhhh? Based off my experience thus far I find hedgehogs to be nonsensical pets because they are nocturnal, incredibly sensitive, and Olive needs a special exotic vet, which costs a fucking lot of money. OHHH and to think a few years ago I had fucking chinchillas (uhh I was DUMB and selfish)....I don't know if its best to rehome her or to continue on in our attempts to provide a suitable home.

I'm writing in here a bunch because I'm not going out to drink anymore. Mostly because when I'm at home I can make sure I don't drink too much. That is because I'm not having fun. When I'm out in the world, skin to skin with everything, I get too caught up in living to regulate my alcohol intake. And it's just not sustainable to be able to drink 6 gin and tonics with abandon. I refuse to give into my genetic (perhaps an excuse) tendencies toward alcoholism. ALSO if I'm spending 2500 of my own money on wearing a fucking dress, for at most 8 hours, in a year and two months I'm gonna save as much money as I can. Also Morocco is soon.

Now I will make a list of my aspirations for travel (mundane and exciting) for the next 12 months:
April 15th-19th: Boston- marathon and leisure
April 29th-7th: Portugal, Morocco- vacation
June 18-25: Oakland and San Fran- GOING TO CHAPEL OF THE CHIMES summer solstice concert and wedding. I am particularly excited about this visit because the Chapel of the Chimes Mausoleum is a frequent guest in my most fanciful and haunting dreams. It is a place I have become obsessed with. I need to satisfy my brain and walk through its maze, memorizing the labyrinth that envelops a combination of despair and contentment with the very tips of my fingers.
Beginning of August (TBD): VA and NC- visiting both families- 6 days
January 8-18: Orlando for KBIS 9-11, 12-16 Caribbean cruise with my future in laws

I have been vocal about my distaste for cruises. While I feel they are unapologetically hedonistic, which isn't such a bad thing in itself, they also take a significant toll on the ocean, treat their employees poorly, and promote an unexamined world view. Say you stop at a Haitian beach, does anyone have an idea of the current socioeconomic status of Haiti? Or the current output of natural resources coming from Haiti? Or that Haitians (and a good amount of the third world) are dying of Cholera (for which there is a vaccine- yeah thats a surprise to me too) or dysentery, or tuberculosis. But since I'm an American who has money I get to snorkel and look at pretty fish on a pristine beach less than 50 miles of people dying of ridiculous things.
But I'm fucked up enough to accept this offer to earn the favor of my future family, who all think I'm most things evil because I'm an upper middle class white bitch.
I deem myself to be probably one of the worst kinds of people because I care so much, but act in the most self serving way. Nothing I do to "fight the power" makes me uncomfortable. Like I've never felt fearful offing shot by police officers when protesting or marching. I only volunteer when I'm not scheduled to work. I own a dog from a breeder. I'm a vegan who wears leather shoes and purses. I don't buy cruelty free cosmetics... I.... ugh
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
spectrum- opposite ends   
11:43pm 21/02/2017
  Yesterday I tried on wedding gowns, sobbed in this extravagant and preposterous lace and silk gowns, and "dressed like a woman"
Yesterday I also didn't "dress like a woman" and protested youknowwho with a homemade "Not MY President" generic, generic, generic, sign. Though! surprisingly, I refrained from sobbing. I actually had an amazing time. I met up with some of my "fight the (insert everything I, we, you, should care about)" friends- from trivia, from school, from running, from being a sanctimonious and self righteous vegan (IE we're all annoying), from MBGC volunteering, and from Women's March.
I love them all for their intrinsic confidence. And ya know, I learned I should love myself for the very same reason. I'm a terribly fucked up insecure broken person, but I'm doing the same thing they are... so there is a part of me that is a confident badass.... or maybe a upper middle class, college educated, marginally attractive white girl who is privileged enough to try on wedding gowns and protest in the same day?
I don't know, so for now Im going to pretend I'm doing good things for the right reason.

So to completely contradict my last sentence...either Sophia Tolli, or Maggie Sottero may be my dress designer.
I'm going to write something meaningful next time, likely tomorrow
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
actually really sorry this time   
09:33pm 19/02/2017
  Anger (noun)
1. Hot thoughts bathing in cool liquid
2. Mostly useless
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
no really, sorry   
09:30pm 19/02/2017
  Daring (adjective)
1. Fully at peace with nonsensical concepts (creationism, art, and war), as if the brain has stood still
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
sorry   
09:27pm 19/02/2017
  Generic (noun)
1. I think everybody should like everybody.
1. You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because; no I don't
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
i should stop   
09:22pm 19/02/2017
  American (adjective)
1. A child who has forgotten its parents
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
define a defintion   
09:15pm 19/02/2017
  Desire (noun)
1. The world has become...so loud
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
define   
09:14pm 19/02/2017
  City (interjection)
1. Where I've walked is all over me
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
   
09:45pm 04/02/2017
 
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So I'm alone trying to navigate taxes on the Saturday before Super Bowl Sunday. I was supposed to run but I have a cough ?? excuses, pathetic excuses
Tom Brady, who is in the Super Bowl is quoted recently as saying
"What's going on in the world?" in response to a question on the immigration ban and subsequent protests "...I haven't paid much attention. I'm just a positive person."
LIKE fuck you man. You are a white, straight, american man. He may be a great athlete, probably is, but also RICH.
You know nothing of current events because you are
Entitled???? I didn't know someone could embody the term so accurately. I suck, because when I first read this I cried. So much makes me cry now. Logic tells me I'm still depressed, but when I was depressed I couldn't cry, and I wanted to cry more than anything just in hopes I'd come home. back to my body, back to feeling, back to my promise. When I was born, upon my first breath, I made an unconscious promise to live. I entered into a contract of an unspecified amount of time with life. These contracts are not up to us to break, but up to our carbon. Our elements will realign into other beings the they are ready, it's all a breakdown of our chemical composition. We don't get to decide when they end the "I", the contract, the promise. Why would we, we do everything to make the ink waterproof, the paper fireproof, the words free of logical errors. No slippery slopes and no red herrings here, my argument is sound and solid. I have promised to live, I mean, I have signed my life to it.
Depression makes you want to break that promise.
So to get to the point, I think I'm just sad or sensitive or my tear ducts are inflamed. I want to cry whenever I am not working, running, fucking, cooking, cleaning, having sex, playing (playing is to winning) trivia, watering my plants, adding to my list of books read, making love.... that may be it?
I know a significant loss in my life has stemmed from my graduation. So much of my self-loathing originated from education. I panicked in high school over tests, which evolved into full on self destruction in my first attempt at college. Yeah I was physically sick, but I remember the moment that made me drop out. "Junior year" I got a D on a test in my Nietzsche course. What? I knew every part of the Gay Science. Haha no.
Anyway school made me sick, makes me sick. It makes me so sleepless and so thin and so sick. But so much of my self worth originated from education. Actually most of my self worth. Now that I "conquered" it, gotten a "higher" degree, and in beaucoups of debt, I crave it.
I'll just say it now, I want a degree in science. Architecture is considered a BS, but no "real science"
There has always been this lovelier, smarter, version of myself who is a great biologist. She is a specialist in infectious diseases. She also adores physics and deems "star stuff" to be the ONLY stuff worth discussing. She dabbles in chemistry because thermodynamics is, well, cool.
It is silly to be so young and ready to pursue a degree thats a 180 if mine, Is it? But I don't want to go and work for the CDC. I don't want a degree, I just want that hungry part of me to be satiated. I want the depression, or maybe just the crying to be eaten away by seminars and labs.
OKAY mister is home and I will bury my sadness in the fleeting sensation of being little spoon.
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
   
07:58pm 04/02/2017
  I believe I may have reached the regrettable point in my life where I no longer receive a tax refund, but a balance. The woes of ownership are vast.

Faith (noun)
1. The quintessential notion I must posses before you throw my heart into quicksand
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
a day after my vacation renews   
06:44pm 31/01/2017
  Hey Fez.... Guess who's coming to celebrate your culture April 29th? Rabat and Marrakech y'all better get ready for us too.
Oh and, 39 hours in Lisbon on the way home isn't gonna hurt.

Hi world, I want to see 92% of you, and I probably never will. Sure gonna try though.
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
   
07:19pm 30/01/2017
  Home (noun)
1) A gulp of comfort, a swallow of terror
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
   
06:59pm 27/01/2017
  Know (interjection)
1. No, I'm not so sure, I think I'm just going to look around for a bit
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
   
06:53pm 27/01/2017
  Hold (verb)
1. To turn love into a material- a fabric of virgin fibers perhaps
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
   
06:51pm 27/01/2017
  Have (verb)
1. To succumb to a grandiose illusion of permanace
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
last   
09:15pm 26/01/2017
  Galaxy (noun)
1. A clever mosaic of nonsense, suspended in the burden of truth
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
one more   
09:13pm 26/01/2017
  Leave (verb)
1. To sprout dissimilar and fibrous fingers
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
definition 1-26   
09:10pm 26/01/2017
  Carbon (noun)
1. The everything that is surprisingly complex, the everywhere that is devastatingly simple
 
     

(for sweet revenge)