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tears aplenty   
11:03pm 17/04/2018
  Yesterday, when I crossed the finish line, hand in hand, with the man that is ABOUT to be my husband, I cried. I cried because of my, our, accomplishment, and because I am in love. I am in LOVE and am getting married,in a few days.
He ran a tiny bit slower to be side by side with me. And I pretended to run a tiny bit faster to run side by side with him. When I admitted this, and he admitted that, we came together like we did 4 years ago. Drunkenly, sloppily, completely enamored with the others body. Trite, but true, I fell in love all over again.
And I sort of haven't stopped, falling in love with him, and crying.
And I sort of don't anticipate stopping. Falling in love and crying. Until Saturday is over, or Sunday is over, or April is over, or ? IDK. I just don't know.
Knowing everyone I love will be with me in 48 hours makes me cry (like I said- I haven't stopped, nor do I anticipate stopping), shiver, smile, bow, "pray, worship, glorify, thank". Like, what have I done to deserve this amount of love? My parents are intrinsically wonderful. They are pretty much perfect. The smartest people I know, but also the most caring. My soon to be SIL who I respect SO much, and out best friends. People from IL,VA,NC,GA,MI,WI,AK,CA,MA,LA,SC,IN,IA,and FL are coming to see us COMMIT to each other. They are coming to celebrate our love. How incredible is that?
Then a week in Japan. Doing whatever we want, wherever we decide to be. Japan was our first international trip together, my first trip abroad, and I fell in love with him all over again. He also fell in love with me again, which I only know from the letters he sent to his sister. I love our love and I cannot believe I found it. It;s not perfect, but it's all I would ever want. And, again, this all makes me cry
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
take me over and over and over   
08:49pm 21/02/2018
  Closed on D5 in my name, 70% cash down, on the 12th. So strange. I never thought I would have money like this. That's taudry to say, so assets? Well I work 60 hour weeks so it makes sense, but I always imagined something, well, different. Like a psychologist living in Virginia with my high school sweetheart and a single family home, and still being best friends with everyone I grew up with and believing in having babies, and I don't know...
Just not being engaged to a black man who is 9 years older than me without a masters but making over 100 a year. I didn't think I'd ever go vegan and run marathons with him. Or owning multiple properties. I mean, I never even cared about architecture 10 years ago, and now its my profession; my lucrative profession and one I'm obsessed with. I've always liked pretty things, but now I understand why I consider them "pretty" and I know what category they fall into.
Anyway I'm drunk and alone with the dogs and hedgie. All of whom are competing for space on my lap. Olive wins since bruts and tato are terrified of her. Unfortunately for me she is the least soft, even belly up and surrendering herself to full attention her little spines can nefariously poke through and cause discomfort.
In other news our firm contributed 1.5k for the Stoneman Douglas victims to get to Washington. I'm incredibly honored to consider these likeminded individuals my colleagues and superiors. We've sent a letter to Duckworth and Rauner vocalizing our support of gun reform. It's nothing and it's too late and I hate it, but I have to try. I'm not sure if anything I do at this point can alleviate, or placate my sense of responsibility... or lack thereof. Obama didn't even do it after Sandy Hook whenI'm pretty sure (sorry if I'm wrong) had a democratic congress. Why? Why do americans value their guns over children's lives?
I am so touched and encouraged by the outrage articulated by the teens in Florida. As teenage survivors, they can articulate what the Sandy Hook survivors cannot. A 15 yr old can describe the terror and carnage of a school shooting in a way a 7 year old cannot. I hope that law makers hear this. I hope their voices and activism are what sets this and other mass shootings apart. I hope the lawmakers, the congress, the senate, the president are traumatized by these tellings and I hope laws are changed.
Alternatively, Seeing Emancipator was an amazing experience. One that I and the mister could equally enjoy as we discovered his music together and in an incredibly intimate experience. Work has been amazing and I have already reached my 750k goal for the quarter in one month.
Not stressing about the wedding, since it's basically getting married in a field of daffodils, with the ceremony 30 minutes or less and then dancing and drinking and being absurd for a few hours. It's really small and we're way under budget, so I'M CHILL. What I;m not chill about is Boston. I've been running everyday, in snow, rain, sleet, dry cold, wet cold, etc. I also did 15 miles on a treadmill ( I never run inside and my shins still hate me a week later). I'm just terrified I won't live up to my own expectations of time and performance. This is exacerbated by the fact I'm getting married a few days later...


TOO drunk to continue, signing off-
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
you've landed   
08:59pm 06/02/2018
  Welcome to the world Mr. Rowan. Rowan Campbell Plank. You have joined the best family. I cannot wait to meet you before my most special day!  
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
fuck the patriarchy   
10:13pm 20/01/2018
  going to the women's march with with the mister and my soon to SIL was really cathartic. I had an amazing time and I have to say Cierra is an amazing young lady. I'm so thrilled to have her here. I'm really joining a family of amazing and strong women.
The march this year, albeit I was in Chicago this time, was equally charged, equally passionate.
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
   
09:35pm 03/01/2018
  I, for one, am shocked that Bannon and Trump are now waging a verbal war. LOL JK, just want them all to implode....All bets on Bannon winning the nazis??? IDK break out the libations and popcorn- this will be a crazy ride.
also I cruises are great and I hate my self-serving inclination to tout their restorative and relaxing attributes.
It wasn't easy to eat vegan, but it was possible. My relationship with the MIL vastly improved and I cannot complain about being in the Caribbean when Chicagy's high is 10.
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
   
10:19pm 12/12/2017
  HELL YES ALABAMA! so, so proud.  
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
Happy Hanukkah    
07:29pm 12/12/2017
  Being stuck in 5:00 traffic on Touhy led me to witness one of the most special things. Window after window of Orthodox Jews decked out in their kippots, or black hats lighting the first candle on the Hanukiah. House after house would have the menorah/ candelabra/ hanukiah (I honestly don't know the difference) but every once in a while in that place would be a Christmas tree. This country is pretty fucked up in a lot of ways, but knowing we can practice whatever religion we choose without prosecution is pretty special. Looking into windows seeing people standing in the warm company of their families really struck me. I am grateful.  
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
CAD bitch no more   
08:51pm 09/12/2017
  I got lead on a job! A 54 year old man will be answering to me. Drafting plans 100% on my own is pretty terrifying though. Also budget is only 90k... but I gotta start somewhere!  
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
My admiration    
09:45pm 28/11/2017
  My mother and father are the best people I have ever and will ever know. My mothers weak points are my fathers strong points, and vice versa. I was terrified of going back to school and getting my masters- my father built me up and I was able to do it. I don't know how they keep on giving, their kinds, their selflessness
I was terrified of engagement- my mother built me up and I was able to accept.
I can't celebrate their greatness, praise their parenting in words. I'm just so full of grated for them, especially after the past few days.
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
   
07:19pm 22/11/2017
  I guess I should be excited, but I'm also Kinda pissed. My fiancé has decided we're buying the garden unit below us, and is gonna rent it out. I don't remember singing off on this, actually I didn't sign off on this. He's using 100% of his own income, but in April whats his is mine, and mine is his. I don't know if I can handle being a landlord, especially to someone who lives immediately below me, or if I'm ready for another remodel. This one should be easy as we'll use stock everything, but a down payment, taxes, and reno costs thats still 70 plus I didn't know we were planning on using.
Business has been amazing for him, he has no debt. My commissions are getting larger and larger but I still owe 10k- which yes, is nothing, compared to most student loans... but we're getting married and we have ONE mortgage- which is significant, I didn't know we were ready for another.
I'm also hosting vegan Thanksgiving tomorrow and only his brother, sister in law, and little sister are coming along with our 4 best friends but I'm so fucking stressed. Stressed that it isn't 7 yet and I'm 1/2 a bottle of Malbec deep. I just feel a lot of pressure to have the beautiful home, look skinny and glowing, but not too "educated white upper middle class bitch" who doesn't deserve a self made man from Georgia. I'll have to wear a flannel with black leggings, and hopefully my boys vans will pass as acceptable. Obviously I don't get this pressure from our friends who are also runners and accepting of plant based living who work for places from Goldman Sachs (Matt I'm making you to be the pretentious, ivy educated, rich one) to Thresholds (Kyra, I'm making you the approachable, educated, beautiful, but socially conscious one who is- BONUS- racially ambiguous.)
I feel I will be never be good enough for him in his families eyes. Like I'm in some way responsible for making him become vegan, live in Lincoln Park, not have kids at age 20 (UH he was 35 when we met!?),travel to Istanbul and Kyoto and Copenhagen, dress in sustainable fashion, and become a marathon runner. I simply encouraged him to do the things he was passionate about and we discovered together that we want to make attempts at living a cruelty free lifestyle, train our bodies to do amazing things, and travel to diverse and historically wish places. I'm obliging his family by taking a cruise that is basically the epitome of gluttony, greed, hedonism, and refusal to engage in any culture while traveling.

I'm having a trying time in my relationship right now, but I'm also experiencing some significant self doubt and mild depression. My job, running, and snuggling with my dogs, are really the things that are keeping me going. I love going on walks, runs, museums, and collaborating on projects with my fiancé, but that isn't really happening right now because he has a HUGE job, I'm lead on two projects, and I'm harboring these cancerous feelings of resentment towards his family.
I know I want to be here, but I also want my mom and my dad and my sister and my nieces and nephew(s) more than anything. They make me okay. So I wonder, where do I belong.

Grain and dairy free pumpkin pie is beeping. The official commencement of holiday stress is here.
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
   
05:23pm 20/11/2017
  Imposing more sanctions against North Korea is going to be complete ineffective. Kim Jong Un will systematically starve his people before implementing any changes. Yes, North Korea poses a huge threat but supporting the starvation and suffering of an entire people is a war crime in my eyes.
His ego is not to underestimated, nor is that of 45... this is not going to end well
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
   
07:58pm 10/11/2017
  it's starting to be hard to feel again. I thought depression was sadness, but it's actually emptiness. but a really heavy empty.  
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
The end of my twenties has started in the best way   
03:34pm 06/10/2017
  Getting surprised with floor seats to Hamilton tonight and a post marathon stay at the Four Seasons is probably the best birthday present I've ever received. The most exciting part of it all is I'll have my best friend by my side the entire time.  
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
i am   
10:03pm 22/09/2017
  I am strong. Before I fall asleep I want to type this out. I am strong, SO strong, because I just did my 13.5 mi marathon prep in record time. I ran this record time ,in record heat, after a 9 hr work day.
My intrinsic reaction is to qualify the former with statements like "No, I didn't save a life- but I ran..." or "I ran well today but today is an outlier. On the 8th I know I'll fail."
so I have to fight that internal hatred and celebrate the win.
Though I recognize this victory is fleeting, I shall not fail to celebrate it
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
   
07:52pm 10/09/2017
  CHICAGO IS GETTING A VEGGIE GRILL! And it is opening about 1/2 mile from our condo, this is a game changer. Like we're getting one before NYC. I just hope it doesn't open before the marathon, because there goes my health kick.  
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
   
10:15pm 05/09/2017
  I don't agree with PETA, but I'm going to drunk defend my veganism- if that is not a word I hope that the sober me finds an appropriate substitute
I'm not vegan for the sole reason of loving animals, and that actually has very little to do with me=y decision to transition from vegetarian to vegan. I'm vegan because it seems to be the easiest way to live an environmentally conscious, compassionate, and economical lifestyle. Also the best way to fuel your body and honor your temple (or whatever they say) is to eat a low fat, high carb, plant based diet. My fiancé follows this diet and is an esteemed athlete and builds things 12 hours a day. I'm running my second marathon (my finances 4th),on this diet and am GOING to qualify for Boston (a hypothetical, but hey, if I deem if to be true...), but my point is I, WE, do a lot on a vegan diet.
Being vegan is environmentally friendly which is what I care the most about, since our natural world is fucked, and this is my PRIMARY reason for refusing to procreate. It's cheap (do not tell me brown rice, potatoes, beans, sweet potatoes, and oats cost a lot). Obviously this base diet is enriched with fruits (dried and fresh), other veggies, spices, and whole wheat pastas,and the occasional meat or dairy substitute, but those cost no more than frozen chicken nuggets, or a lean cuisine. We also shop every three days because our food doesn't last long and we eat what we buy quickly (to play devils advocate we live .4 miles from Marianos- a 10 minute walk). This eliminates so much food waste, and also ensures that what we buy is FRESH and what we need is what we are carrying back.
I don't give a shit what other people eat or wear... just please, don't go on about being an animal lover, or an environmentalist... and to clarify I embody none of those "ideals". I'm not some warrior for the animals, or defender of the forests. I drive a car (a mini, in my defense), love my HVAC, frequently buy "fast fashion" and work in a firm that seldom employs green materials.... but at least I recognize I'm a puppet to consumerism, and thus a combative opponent to our environment. Just recognize, and own up to be being a slave like the rest of us. You're not progressive and you're not a hippie! The moon doesn't know that you "know" its cycles. The hole in the ozone is not impacted by your sentiment that you only want 3 kids, not 5 like a crazy evangilist. You love your dog just as much as I love mine. You're not some animal rights activist because you work at an animal shelter. Just like I'm not an activist for women's rights because I attended the Women's March.
I wish I could say all of this to the person it is directed towards...but that person is off limits because of work obligations and social graces.
But basically....
You love your dog and you love your cat, but if you don't live a vegan lifestyle you love pets, not animals.
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
MakeAmericaGreatAgain   
09:49pm 03/09/2017
  "THANK YOU, TRUMP, THIS IS HOW A REAL PRESIDENT LEADS. WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING KATRINA??? PROBABLY GOLFING. #MAGA"NOTEVER contributing to an idiotic "hashtag" of MakeAmericaGreatAgain, cos it wasn't ever great for minorities.

“U R a nutcase. It was your Pres Obama who was golfing during Hurricane Katrina. Pres Trump has been very proactive, B4 and now.”

BY THE WAY Trump's golfing days have outnumbered Obama's.

These are bleak times, folks... bleak times. SO YA, people that's ONE, or ten, reasons why I'm not going to have a baby!
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
to decompress, and then to become incensed    
09:00pm 01/09/2017
  watching a lifetime movie because well, we love them. and so in this movie "Mother" Kat gets into BROWN and then in a shot is seen holding an Algebra One book.... like my senior year I was taking AP stats and got rejected from NYU. Algebra one is something an 8th grader takes! High school is algebra 2, geo, trig, then stats or calculus!
My main point is
Since my fiancé and I began dating four years ago, I’ve encountered a lot of comments, often from strangers, about how we must have children because they will be gorgeous. Now, I love a compliment, but it’s often clear that these comments have nothing to do with me or my partner’s appearance. Rather, they’re inspired by our race. I’m Irish/Russian/American Indian- but basically just white, and my fiancé is a light skinned black man who knows little about his lineage-though he knows his great grandfather was born and raised in GAa. BUT!!! according to the people pressuring us to reproduce, mixed-race babies are soo cute!
One time, after we’d been together for about 4 months, my mister and I were at a pretty ritzy brunch at the Allium, and the woman next to us kept bringing up our hypothetical interracial children (weird, mind your own business, enjoy your brunch, leave us alone). We had not even discussed kids at this time (we have since, and no, we are not procreating- the world is too fucked, I am too stressed about the fucked up world, he is too old, and we like to travel too much), but when I tried to end the conversation, she began to tell us how she wished she had a mixed race kid, because well, they are just the best!!! Our kid (s!!!??) would be so tall, slim, but athletic (a nod to my fiancé) and with such high cheekbones and round, wide eyes (a nod to me?). I was mortified, not only because this was a guy I thought I was just gonna fuck for a while and then move on from, but also because something felt really wrong, and inherently racist about what she was saying. It was as if she was ranking skin tones, and by combining ours, my mister and I were going to give our (again, never discussed) children some sort of competitive edge. The conversation didn’t leave me feeling angry, though, since she was making desperate attempts to appear likable, progressive, and kind. I just felt bewildered. Why does a stranger decide it is her right to bring up our reproductive capabilities, willingness, and "responsibility"?
The troubling part of all this is that it hasn’t just been that one conversation. This has been a recurring theme whenever the topic of kids, race, or levels of attractivness comes up. It comes off as though some people (often times older, middle to upper class, white women) think interracial couples have an obligation to procreate, or that mixed-race kids are some sort of novelty. Furthermore, it is as though they are trying to let me know that they aren't racist. I don't think they are aware of all the pernicious beliefs underlying those statements. It seems that they think biracial babies are the best because they are exotic. Exotic without being too exotic!! (your kid will have the "softest curls", "skin the color of a latte" "lips the perfect fullness") (Oh god, I hope you have a girl because she'll have hazel eyes, but a soft afro.... she'll be at least 5'10" and won't weigh over 130 lbs!!!) ((OKAY SHUT THE FUCK UP, and FUCKOFF with your sad understanding of genetics ,and even sadder understanding of beuaty)... That, this, so much, is a indication that racism has never gone away. This is a way of them accepting that black is okay. but black is okay only if the black person is light skinned enough, well dressed, and acting like a total gent while wining and dining another well dressed tall thin 20 something who is attractive enough to produce a mixed baby that is A-OKAY, or a great blend, or NOT TOO black, but not too white. This is just a subsidiary of racist and problematic thinking that is indoctrinated in so much of our knowledge, so much of "us".
What this is all about is my reaction to people tweeting "this isn't my america" after the terrorism in Charlottesville . You are so so naive. Yes this is your America because, your, our, mine, America is still racist. It is one thing that has not gone away, you've just closed your eyes to it. Stop tweeting, open your eyes, and start doing. Protest, volunteer, march, speak. If I can find the confidence, the resources, and the time to do it,s o can anyone.
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
blood is thicker than   
09:41pm 20/08/2017
  just got off the phone with my mom... she spent a solid 7 minutes telling me how a conversation over batteries at a CVS merged into a stranger gifting her enough eclipse glasses for herself and the grandchildren!
I consider her one of the most personable people I have ever met...
However! I too charmed a complete stranger into gifting me their glasses... I was HUSTLING to work after someone tried to stab someone else on the red at Jackson and this really dapper (south african??) gentle-person came up to me asking for directions to o'hare. I was on the cusp on being time to the office, if I ran- FAST. But hey fuck it... be a PERSON and give this other PERSON directions. Don't bet the annoyed local unwilling to accept a "tourists" request for directions...
Anayway..said person proceeds to tell me they will be in Finland for the eclipse so the glasses they just scored from Adler would go to complete waste... except!
ME, yes, me...
except mister got us glasses months ago so I shared the love and gifted my gift to my 36 driver Toya.
 
     

(for sweet revenge)

 
not that type of girl   
08:00pm 09/08/2017
  Why does every uber driver, bouncer, host/hostess automatically assume my fiancé is Derrick Rose? I mean I defiantly see the similarities, they do look a lot alike... but Why would some rich as hell NBA player be feeling up a girl that looks like me? and why would he be in an uber/ cab at all?
Also, he doesn't even GO here anymore, we traded his ass.... also he probably gang raped someone.
So while I'm no supermodel, I am not gonna be hanging on the arm of an alleged rapist.
 
     

(for sweet revenge)